


Crossing Over With Jon Archer

by Warp5Complex_Archivist



Category: Star Trek: Enterprise
Genre: Drama, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2006-03-28
Updated: 2006-03-28
Packaged: 2018-08-15 16:56:02
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,441
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8064619
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Warp5Complex_Archivist/pseuds/Warp5Complex_Archivist
Summary: Parody of 2.18 "The Crossing." (04/12/2003)





	

**Author's Note:**

> Note from Kylie Lee, the archivist: this story was originally archived at [Warp 5 Complex](http://fanlore.org/wiki/Warp_5_Complex), the software of which ceased to be maintained and created a security hazard. To make future maintenance and archive growth easier, I began importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in August 2016. I e-mailed all creators about the move and posted announcements, but I may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact me using the e-mail address on [Warp 5 Complex collection profile](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/Warp5Complex).

  
Author's notes: Crossing Over With Jon Archer, Or Attack Of The CGI Effects Gone Bad!  


* * *

### Teaser

Reed: There's a big giant ship comin' up behind us!

Archer: Whoa, did we start early or somethin'? What'd I miss?

T'Pol: No more than usual.

Archer: How big is it?

Reed: I'd put it in the Freakin' Huge category, sir.

Archer: Try hailing them.

Hoshi: I'll just use my goofy earpieceâ€¦oop, can't, sorry.

Archer: Hey, it's eatin' us up!

### Act 1: Let's Go Play Outside!

Bridge:

Archer: Let's shoot our way out!

Reed: Weapons off-line!

Trip (over com): Hey, what's goin' on? The engines went out!

Archer: Warp or impulse?

Trip: Just impulse, actually! Warp's fine! Except you can't use it without impulse.

Archer: Darn. What do you see, T'Pol?

T'Pol: Actually, just about everything's broken.

Archer: How about life support? (chokes, collapses to floor) I'm fine. Turn the camera on.

Travis: All right! T.V.!

Archer: Well, now that I've studied it for three seconds, zoom in on pixel (32, 12). See that? Funny swirly things.

T'Pol: Sensors aren't picking up anything.

Archer: You sayin' I'm crazy? Any atmosphere?

T'Pol: Pure poison.

Archer: I know! Why don't we go wander around outside the ship in the most vulnerable position possible! Who wants to come? Malcolm?

Reed: Hell, yeah!

T'Pol: Do you think the shuttlepod will work?

Archer (confused): Why wouldn't it?

Outside:

Pod lands, and everyone immediately climbs out.

Reed: Look, Captain! The atmosphere's automatically changing! 76% nitrogen, 21% oxygen, 4% poison.

Archer (takes off helmet): Well, no need for this clunky thing! About time someone did something for us! (chokes, collapses) I'm fine! What's the temp?

Reed: 18 degrees.

Trip: Izzat Celsius or Fahrenheit?

Reed (shrugs): Whichever works.

Trip: Okay. Florida in Novemeber.

Archer: Since when are you from Florida?

Trip: Since now.

Archer: Okay. Let's see what we can find. Hey, look!

Reed (amazed, as if they hadn't already seen and puzzled over these things): They aren't showing up on sensors! They don't seem to be alive or anything!

Archer: We may not detect biosigns, but those sure look alive to me! Cause they're all swiggly and movin' around and stuff.

(They all draw phasers, but not before a blue swiggly thing enters Trip, and an orange swiggly thing exits)

Reed: Hey, that's funny. A blue swiggly went in, and an orange one came out.

Archer: Wonder what _that_ means. Trip?

Trip (contemplating navelâ€”literally): Whoo! Body! Hands!

(The reverse of what happened before happens)

Trip: Whoa! What just happened, man?

Archer: I was gonna ask you the same thing!

Trip: I asked first, ha ha! What a feeling! I think I was dancin' on the ceiling.

Archer: You didn't smoke any of the leaves we picked up from Planet Narcotica, did you?

Trip (innocent): Who, me? I also was in Tarpon Springs. It's in Florida. With Lisa.

Archer: Who's Lisa?

Trip: I don't know. I guess I dated someone named Lisa.

Reed: I think you were dreaming, Commander.

Trip: You're just jealous.

Sickbay:

Phlox: And now, all the men can stare at Trip in his undies. (pause) He looks fine. So to speak.

Archer: He said he had an out-of-body experience. (makes "cuckoo" sign by his ear)

Trip: I can see you, you know. Don't forget Florida.

Phlox (turns off com): It's a very common hallucination, pretending you're in Florida.

Trip: Hey, are you guys talkin' about me?

Archer: Who, us? Noâ€”just talking about the water polo match.

Reed (a little too enthusiastically): Good game!

_In the Dressing Room_ :

Trip: Well, that was pretty amazing', I'll tell ya!

Archer: What, did you have sex or something?

Trip (slyly): Among other thingsâ€¦

Archer: I'd prefer to keep you in Sickbay, but I can't afford to. The extras are forming a union.

Trip: That's okay. I'm eager to work my ass off, slaving over a hot warp engine, anyway.

Archer: Let me know if you take another trip to La-La land.

Trip: Will do.

Archer (to Reed): Oh, yeah, get the weapons back on-line.

Reed (disappointed): Damn.

Ready Room:

Archer: It's like we've been eaten by a giant whale. Where's Jonah?

Jonah (from outside): Here I am!

T'Pol: There's no reason to think their intentions are hostile.

Archer: How 'bout, they've been holding us hostage?

T'Pol: They haven't destroyed us yet.

Archer (scoffs): Details, details!

T'Pol: I suppose it depends how you look at it. If you're an optimist, when giant alien spaceships swallow you up, you might think they're just getting to know you, up close and personal. If, for example, you take offense when an alien burps in your presence, yeah, there might be a problem.

Archer: Did you come for some other reason?

T'Pol: No, just to hear you rant. The crew is screaming in panic, by the way.

Archer: Really? I've got to get them out. It's my responsibility. Because I'mâ€¦the captain.

T'Pol: Sure you are.

Engineering:

(Trip gets taken over by the blue swiggly thing again. Or is itâ€¦another swiggly thing?)

Random Engineer: Blah blah engineering stuff blah. Hey, are you listening?

Trip: Who, me? Fine! So long, sweetums. (leaves)

RE: Random Engineer to Archer. Commander Tucker is acting funny again. He seemed to think I was hisâ€¦lover.

Archer (eagerly): I'll be right down.

RE: He's gone, sir.

Archer: Oh, okay. Where's the most logical place for him to go?

T'Pol: Mess hall? He likes to eat.

Archer: Sounds logical to me!

Mess hall:

Trip (stuffing face): Damn, is this tasty.

Archer: Commander?

Trip: How ya doin'?

Archer: Are you Trip, or are you possessed by something else right now?

Trip: How could ya tell?

Archer: Well, that's the thingâ€¦I can't.

Reed: Oh, you don't want to eat all that, you'll get chubby!

T'Pol: You are consuming a week's worth of rations. We'll all starve.

Trip: Oops. Want summa this? It's delish.

Archer: Bread? It's the most boring food in existence. Especially American white bread.

Trip: I fainted when I tried the ice cream.

T'Pol: Where is my man?

Trip: Ooh, sex. That would be interesting. He's with my people. He's having a good time, don't worry. Anyone up for some sex?

Reed: Maybe later. We saw a wisp of vapor outside before. Did you have anything to do with it?

Trip: Wisp? That's a funny word. I guess _I'm_ a wisp.

Reed (resignedly, under breath): I've been called that far too many times.

Archer: Where do you come from?

Trip: Mars. Or maybe Florida.

Archer: Why did you take Commander Tucker?

Trip: He was the cute one. You people are pretty neatoâ€”corporeal and all that. When we crossed over before, we decided to have fun for awhile. We used to be like you, but then we evolved into something better. Now we can see what our primitive ancestors were like, cause you're just like them!

Reed: Hey, Captain, look! The ship has been regurgitated!

Trip: Your crewman will return. You're an explorer, right? So do some 'splorin'!

### Act 2: Doin' Some 'Splorin'

As if we'd never left:

Archer: What about Tucker?

Reed: Look! There's an orange swiggly thing! It must be the human!

Trip: Wow.

Archer (annoyed): Wow, what?

Trip: I was ridin' with Hopalong Cassidy. And then I was with Lisa, and then I was a kid, pickin' up leaves with my dad. It was all real, I tell ya!

Reed: What a boring hallucination. Where's the sex?

Trip: They said you could try it.

Archer: Who?

Trip: The ones I was with.

Archer: Hopalong Cassidy?

Trip: Sure! He's real nice when ya get to know 'im. You should try it, really! (everyone looks at each other strangely)

Archer: Maybe you should go to Sickbay.

Reed: I'll go, too! Tell me more about this hallucinationâ€¦ (they leave)

Archer: Something smells funny.

T'Pol (offended): Hey, _I_ took a shower this morning.

Archer: Oh. Then it must be me.

T'Pol: Here's a thought: Maybe they're telling the truth.

Archer: Yeah, right! And then what? They'll help us get out of here? We'll all reach new heights of mental awareness? Different planes of reality? What is this, touchy-feely hour? Or is the action-packed hour we've all come to love and expect?!

T'Pol: Or maybe they want to steal our ship and bodies. You decide.

Archer: Believe you me, I already have. One involves guns, the other doesn't.

T'Pol: I thought the Brit was trigger-happy.

Change of scene:

Captain's Log, Stardate: August and a half: Well, we're free to go, but we can't go anywhere. We've met our first non-corporeal beings! This is a red-letter day. Note: record this log in red letters. T'Pol thinks I don't trust them because they're different. I hope that's not the case. That would mean I'm really _not_ the open-minded, prejudice-free guy I claim. I hope they really have some evil plan for us. (door chimes)

Phlox: Hi. I was just invaded by one of the swiggly things. It left, though. My thick forehead bumps must be good for something.

Archer: Are you all right?

Phlox: Oh, sure! I normally act this way!

Probably the Armory:

Malcolm gets chased down by CGI effects. First response: shoot at it! Now he's suave and lecherousâ€”different from usual?

Reed (to random crewwoman): Hey, baby.

RCW: It didn't work last week, sir. You haven't improved your line any.

Reed: You're a male, right? I'm a female. So we fit together.

RCW: Well, you've got it a bit backwards. Not to mention the female-male thingâ€¦ (leaves)

Reed: Oh, was I mistaken? I'll go find someone else.

T'Pol's Quarters:

Reed: Hello. Oh, you're not Commander Tucker.

T'Pol: What are you doing here?

Reed: Ah, well. I'll make do. Let's get nekkid together.

T'Pol: That's an odd request. Have you been drinking?

Reed: Why? Would that be an appropriate response if I had been drinking?

T'Pol: Captain, please bring security to my quarters.

Reed: Ooh, an orgy. Sounds fun. You're not afraid of me, are you? You shouldn't be.

T'Pol: Yes, I know. I can easily kick your ass.

Reed: What's it like to be female? Are there major differences?

T'Pol: Humans believe that females come from their second planet and males from their fourth.

Reed: Maybe you'd like to be male for awhile.

T'Pol: Not really.

Reed: Come with us, and you _can_ be.

T'Pol: Why would non-corporeal beings have gender?

Reed: I don't know, so let's have some of the sex now.

(Archer enters)

T'Pol: This isn't Lt. Reed. It's quite obvious.

Archer (grabs Reed forcefully): Hey! Give him back!

Reed: Maybe I will, maybe I won't.

Archer: How 'bout I lock you in his quarters, then?

Reed (dismayed): No! You'll _lock_ me in? But I'd never get out! It's not like I can float through walls like I'm non-corporeal or anything!

Archer: Guard.

Tough Guy: Come here, bitch.

Archer (to com): Trip, they've got Malcolm. Let's get ready to get out of here.

Engineering:

Trip: They're gonna give him back, aren't they?

Archer: If not, we'll leave without him.

Trip: Oh. That's too bad. Well, I'll miss him.

Rostov: Gee, Commander, what do we do now?

Trip: Take a look unner the hood and fire 'er up!

Rostov: Okay!

Trip: Hey, what's wrong?

Rostov: Wrong? Why, I'm happy!

Trip (back to com): Cap'n? Rostov's actin' stranger than usual.

Bridge:

Archer: Hoshi, get a security team down to Engineering.

Hoshi: What, are we swarming with security officers? No wonder we can't do anything scientific out here. Did we just expect to kill them all off or something?

Archer: Well. They _are_ redshirts. Have them pick up anyone acting strange.

Travis (raises hand): I'm acting strange!

Archer: No, you're not. Figure out who's acting normal and who isn't. Ask Phlox for help.

T'Pol: Why don't I just ask the people?

Hoshi: We polarized the hull plating before; it didn't stop them. What if they take over the whole ship?

Archer: Someone call securityâ€”she's acting strange!

Hoshi: No, I'm not. I'm always nervous about aliens and stuff.

Archer: Right.

Trip (over com): We got engines back!

Archer: We're not going anywhere!

Hoshi: Why not?

Archer: They have Malcolm.

Hoshi: Okay. Your point?

Archer: And God knows how many others.

Voice (God?): They have 17. Wait, 18.

### Act 3: Let's Do That Other Episode Again!

Sickbay:

Archer: So, what's the big secret?

Phlox: Turns out all we have to do is poke them in the stomach. If they go "hee-hee!" it's the Pillsbury dough boy. If they go "Whoo!" it's an alien pod person. If they hit us, it's a crewmember.

Archer (impressed): Sounds scientific. Well, get to work.

Engineering/Bridge:

Trip: Travis, can you go down to the catwalk and get burned to a crisp?

Travis: No problem, sir. Except I'm kinda steering the ship.

Trip: Don't worry about that.

Travis: Hmm. I wonder if he's possessed, luring me away from my station so he can take over the ship.

Mess hall:

Phlox: We should have meals together more often. Can I have a sip of your tea?

T'Pol: There are two here. The ones with a table full of food.

Phlox: Get the sides of beef in here.

T'Pol: Guards!

Catwalk:

Can Travis outrun a non-corporeal body? Yes! He can!

Travis: Captain, it doesn't seem like the thing followed me in here.

Archer: Just stay in there, then.

Travis: What if you turn the warp engines on?

Archer: We'll try to remember you.

Travis: Okay! Good enough for me!

Archer (over com): Hey, Trip? Is there anything that might keep them out of the nacelles?

Trip: Well, it's coated with osmium alloy, but I dunno if that would do it.

Archer: Travis thinks so!

Travis: I do?

Archer: I know! Let's all go up to the catwalk!

Trip: Didn't we already do this once before?

Archer: It's a classic trick. Collect all the crew.

Trip: Even the ones who are possessed?

Archer: Hoshi?

Hoshi: Sorry, I've been possessed. You should try it, too! It's great!

Archer (slaps her across face several times): _Why-won't-you-give-her-back?_

Hoshi: Ow. You're really just hurting her body, not me. You just need to give up your substance for awhile. You'll love it.

Archer: I don't _have_ any substance.

Hoshi: The others ones are happy. You'll understand.

Archer: Are you doing this for our benefit or yours?

Hoshi: Mmâ€¦mostly ours.

Catwalk:

Archer: How many are there?

T'Pol: 58.

Archer: Outside?

T'Pol: 83 minus 58. That is 25.

Archer: I knew that.

T'Pol: Phlox is out there, too.

Archer: Okay.

T'Pol: We need to learn more about these beings.

Archer: Shut up about learning! We need our people back!

T'Pol: We could do that if we learn more. I think I'll go out and interact with them.

Archer: But you'll be taken over!

T'Pol: No. No offense, but Vulcan minds are better than yours.

Archer: That's not saying much. None taken.

T'Pol: Good. I'll be fine.

Archer: Wait. What good would that do?

T'Pol: We may be conjoined for a brief time. I could learn something.

Archer: So it'd be like a mind meld? That's kinda a long shot, isn't it?

T'Pol: Why the hell not?

Archer: Hey! Maybe you'll give them your disease!

T'Pol: I'm hoping.

Archer: What if you're wrong?

T'Pol: Then you'll have to figure something out on your own.

Archer: No!â€¦Okay.

Sickbay:

Phlox (cheerful): Hello?

Hoshi: Hoshi Sato's been injured. Leg broken. She's in pain.

Phlox: I thought Hoshi was floating out there somewhere.

Hoshi: Just come, will you? It's a trap of some sort.

Phlox: Okay! (goes to her quarters) Step away from the door.

Hoshi: She's on the floor. Can't move.

Phlox: Hmm. Then how'd she call me if she can't reach the com? And how did she break a leg in her quarters? Hey, wait, you're fine!

Hoshi: Hi-YAH! (kicks Phlox in stomach)

Phlox: Ahh! My reproductive organs! (zaps Hoshi with medical thingie) That's better. (zaps himself once in stomach)

Archer (over com): Is everything all right?

Phlox: Not really.

Archer: Good! T'Pol needs your help. Go find her.

Phlox: Where is she?

Archer: Somewhere on the ship.

T'Pol undergoes the mental battle of her lifeâ€”this week!

### Act 4: These Guys Are Doing Something Bad!

In the corridor:

Phlox: T'Pol? Have you succeeded? Captain? She's not herself. She's ignoring me and she usually loves my witty repartee.

Archer: Damn. Take her to her quarters.

Phlox: Well, let's go, kiddo. (thingie leaves, T'Pol collapses) T'Pol? What's my name?

T'Pol: Snoop Doggy Dogg? They're lying!

Phlox: That's not my name.

Catwalk:

T'Pol: So, it turns out their ship is broken. They're trying to save themselves. Just like you thought. 82 of them are taking over the crew.

Travis: If they're non-corporeal, why do they need a spaceship? Especially if no one can run it or anything.

T'Pol: I forgot to ask.

Archer: See? I was right! They're evil!

T'Pol: Where's Commander Tucker? Iâ€¦want him.

Travis: I knew it! I won the bet! Fifty bucks is mine! I'll go get him.

T'Pol: We need to shield the rest of the ship so we can go to warp.

Archer: But then we'd lose a third of the crew. I can't do that.

T'Pol: Two-thirds would survive. And I'll finally get rid of that annoying Reed. He stares at my rump too much.

Archer: Wait, wait. Here's an idea. Could they survive in a dead host?

T'Pol: Probably not.

Archer: I've got it! We kill the people they've invaded!

T'Pol: Umâ€¦

Archer: Just do it! It'll work!

Corridor:

Phlox: So, we kill them, then magically revive them? Good plan. Oh, yes, don't pump the gas into your section, or you'll die, too.

Archer: Right. I wouldn't have thought of that.

Travis: I can't find Commander Tucker!

Archer: Go look again. You must be stupid.

Phlox (counting really slowly): Four, five, six, eight, seven. Here we go. Number 7.

Archer: Okay. Open the panel.

Phlox: Then what do I do with it?

Archer: Um, bring it down here.

Phlox: Okay. Heyâ€”there's lots of pretty green lights!

Archer: There should be a switch next to each of them.

Phlox: Yes, about 5 centimeters to the left.

T'Pol: Actually, it is more like 4.75 cm. Approximately.

Archer: Good. You'll have to go and open another panel to actually release the gas. I just wanted you to see this one. It's pretty. You have to release it into Central Ventilation.

Phlox: Do _what_? Oh, that's right, we already discussed this.

Somewhere else on the catwalk:

Travis: Commander? There you are! I've been looking all over for you!

Trip: Why'n't you try callin' me? I was busy listenin' in on their plan. (shoves people while running away, escapes thru hatch)

Travis: Hey! You're not possessed, are you?

Another corridor:

Phlox: Here's another panel! It won't come off!

Archer: What are you, a wuss? Do I have to come down there and pull it off?

Phlox: Possibly. Okay, here we goâ€¦ (pulls it off, flies backwards, knocks himself unconscious)

Travis: Hey, sir? I think Tucker got possessed again.

Archer: How could that have happened inside here?

T'Pol: He knows our plan!

Archer: Doc, you better get your ass in gear! Fast, now! (includes needless exposition, informing Phlox what we already know)

Phlox: Why don't you try telling me what to do, then?

Archer: Open the doohickey. There's a lot of complicated little details. We like to make it nearly impossible to work on these things, in case of emergency.

Phlox: I can see that.

Archer: You'll have to turn the lever/wheel to the 3 o'clock position.

Phlox: Three o'clock? What's that? I thought clocks were digital.

Archer: Oh. Sorry. Turn it to the east position.

Phlox: Ahh! Now I understand.

Trip: Not so fast, Tubby!

Phlox: No! I'm getting beaten up twice in one episode. Take _that_ , pretty boy! (cool head-butt: he's a fighter!)

Trip: Ouch. (Phlox releases gas) I'm gettingâ€¦woozy. (collapses)

Phlox: Captain, I just realized. How will the people know to come back to their bodies?

Archer (considers): They'll just know! Get ready, Travis!

T'Pol: They're following us. Get ready to fireâ€”FIRE!

The giant ship is easily destroyed with a couple cannonballs.

Travis: Do you think we should feel any remorse at killing hundreds of sentient beings?

Archer (scoffing): Nahâ€”They're only non-corporeal things! Not really people at all!

Corridor:

Trip: Hey, what happened?

Phlox: You're fine. I only head-butted you.

Trip: I think I was at a barbeque. Never saw so many ribs in mah life!

Phlox: Then you've never seen a Denobulan weasel-snake. Let's go unlock some doors.


End file.
